Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Textbooks are not so much wrong as they are conventional – and an entrepreneurial idea must be contrarian.

Reverence for life affords me my fundamental principle of morality.

I know that people will remember me as Miss Universe because it was my first great achievement, but I still have my whole career ahead of me.

I dont have any assistants, I do it all myself, I dont have any secretaries.

Loneliness will sit over our roofs with brooding wings.

The Unhappy may, possibly, by indulging Thought, hit on some lucky Stratagem for the Relief of his Misfortunes, and the Happy may be infinitely more so by contemplating on his Condition.

We need to stop giving people excuses not to believe in God.

We’ve arrived,” Leo announced. “Time to Split.” Frank groaned. “Can we leave Valdez in Croatia?

I'm not one of these guys who's constantly in a relationship, not at all

Magic is the practice of causing change through the use of powers as yet not defined or accepted by science.