Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

Tragedy of life: we want to possess more material wealth, but fail to enjoy the spiritual riches.

I wonder. Of course maybe that isn't what they figure to do. Maybe they aren't going to do any such thing. But it's natural that's what they would do and I heard that word.

You are a potential genius, so unleash your potential to release your genius.

Marriage feels like an industry with catering and really expensive bands.

Beyonce is such a visual artist. This was just trying to figure out another side to her that could be fun and young and exciteful and a great video.

Anything you have to acquire a taste for was not meant to be eaten.

Never ask a woman if you may kiss her. Instead, learn to read body language.

A little town is like a lantern. Nothing's hid from sight.

I had many of the trappings of success. I was a lawyer. I drove a nice car and I had nice things. But "things" don't make a rich life.

Money and ownership alone aren't enough. Set high goals, encourage competition, and then keep score.