Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

You are a product of the stories you believe and accept.

The compensation we receive from employment is not enough for the time being wasted

In the face of immense tragedy—yet again—unexpected beauty.

It is in the quiet that you gain perspective when you have to deal with the loud.

Even at our birth, death does but stand aside a little. And every day he looks towards us and muses somewhat to himself whether that day or the next he will draw nigh.

I think gold is made for kings and pharaohs - that's what I am.

The church is not an audience of spectators; we are a fellowship of disciple-makers

Hate California--it's cold and it's damp.

But fates are connected in ways we don’t understand.

From a yogic perspective, stillness, coupled with expanded awareness, is by far the most powerful medium by which you can affect your destiny.