Brains are like toddlers. They are wonderful and should be treasured, but that doesn't mean you should trust them to take care of you in an avalanche or process serotonin effectively.

Even the ugliest person's cellulite is more attractive than the most beautiful supermodel's lower intestine.' I'd put that on a T-shirt but probably Mark Twain already said it.

Or the woman in front of me in the security line who asked if they would put her cat, Dave, through the luggage X-ray machine because she wanted to see if he'd eaten a necklace.

Which sort of shows why my body is an idiot, because forced narcolepsy is pretty much the worst defense ever.

It was nice to call my parents and proudly tell them, "My lady garden is going viral." In hindsight, that may have been a poor choice of phrasing.

We're better than Galileo. Because he's dead.

It's okay to keep a broken oven in your yard as long as you call it art.

Lady, you have the wrong number. Our cat isn't even in the hospital. He doesn't want pajamas.

Refrigerators are good for keeping homemade moonshine less gross. Freezers are good for keeping rattlesnakes less angry. Garages are good to hide in when your wife finds either.

The right word said at right time is sacred utterance.

Lose control once in a while, and your emotions will make your strong. Keep your heart open, and they’ll make you invincible.

Updike and Bellow and Roth were my three favorite writers when I was young and throughout my life.

Salvation is universal because the love of God encompasses all. If God is God and if God is love, nothing is outside the love of God. A place like hell is thus inconceivable.

If you think one thing is sacred but you cannot stand the other, if you love the Creator but hate the creation, that is vulgarity.

Love does not exist. There exists the physical need for intercourse, and the rational need for a mate in life

Every decision you make - every decision that you make every second - is not a decision about what to do, it is a decision about who you are. Every act is an act of self-definition.

Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit.

It’s actually pretty easy to be contrarian. It’s hard to be contrarian and right.

Selling records is fantastic. But if you're not loving what you do, and if everybody is throwing knives at you, it can get old very fast.