Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Sentiment without action is the ruin of the soul.

The death camps seem easier to comprehend if we put them all into the basket of one vast generalization, which the term "death camps" implies, but in the process we mythologize or trivialize them.

An ounce of joy is the equivalent of a ton of happiness.

Fading from consciousness is the fact that we all needed help in the beginning

I think these days, as an artist, you have to be slightly entrepreneurial. ...Nobody really sells records anymore.

People say, 'Jay, you're a great guy, you just had a couple of bad nights.' People that have themselves under control don't have a couple of bad nights like that. Plain and simple.

Dignity belongs to the conquered.

The impact of the downturn is starting to feel very real. House prices and the housing market have been taking the knock for some time and that's affecting people.

A lot of people had doubts. I tried to tell people I never had doubts.

There are theoretical physicists who imagine, deduce, and guess at new laws, but do not experiment; and then there are experimental physicists who experiment, imagine, deduce, and guess.