Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We're in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Adversity tests what the soul can endure.

A life of success demands that you never starve your dreams from the actions, courage, and faith that they consistently need.

The courage in journalism is sticking up for the unpopular, not the popular.

I'm moving to a point that I'm fed up with the N.C.A.A. dictation.

I don't have a right to pick the president's cabinet on substance.

A man must know his destiny.

It turns out that moving our muscles produces proteins that travel through the bloodstream and into the brain, where they play pivotal roles in the mechanisms of our highest thought processes.

Mankind is still embryonic ... [man is] the bud from which something more complicated and more centered than man himself should emerge.

A pox on both his testicles! (Esperetta)

Of the people, by the people, for the people.