Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Thank god he's holding me because if he weren't, I'd float away.

The bell tolls with a painful note afarWhen man drops in the dreadful jaws of deathBut human beasts watch death with mouth ajarWhile lifeless church bell feels the pangs of death

You've probably missed out something really great but you haven't let that drive you insane but always remember to be yourself.

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow.

Maybe language is kind, giving us these double meanings. Maybe it's trying to teach us a lesson, that we can always be two things at once.

My song is ya girlfriend's wakin up ringer

For a rub with sweet tang: mix just a little bit of light brown sugar to garlic pepper, black pepper, and onion powder.

A man without any history is like a tree without roots

We live in an anaesthetized society.

Democracy is still upon its trial. The civic genius of our people is its only bulwark.