Busy yourselves with this, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open.

I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o clock in the morning.

When archaeologists discover the missing arms of Venus de Milo, they will find she was wearing boxing gloves.

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.

You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.

My only regret in the theater is that I could never sit out front and watch me.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

The United States is the result of an enlightened philosophy

Homo-Americanus is going to go on speaking and writing the way he always has, no matter what dictionary he owns.

Surrounding myself with beautiful women keeps me young.

We'll show the fire how to burn.

Behind a remarkable scholar we not infrequently find an average human being, and behind an average artist we often find a very remarkable human being.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

One thing I like about trying to write is that I can possibly write myself a role. Otherwise, you're at the mercy of whatever roles are out there that people are willing to give to you.

The size of your promise defines the size of your life.

You’re supposed to expand your mind to fit the art, you’re not supposed to chop the art down to fit your mind.

Kings are for nations in their swaddling-clothes: France has attained her majority.