But I'm a humorist. I'm not a reporter, I never pretended to be a reporter.

The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.

How accommodating love is

Once upon a time, there was a story. But no one to tell it.

Happiness has got to be paid for. You're paying for it, Mr. Watson–paying because you happen to be too much interested in beauty. I was too much interested in truth; I paid too.

When President Nixon said that the American people don't want their foreign policy dictated from the street, unfortunately, he said the most clever political statement I think he's ever said.

Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so?

My work is purely autobiographical... It is about myself and my surroundings.

I'm getting better, happier, and nicer as I grow older, so I would be terrific in a couple of hundred years time.

When women's parts are being written, they are more and more for under 30s who are nubile and beautiful. Actresses over 40 are finding very little happening.

I go out on the road for much longer than I probably should and lose more of myself than I should.

I tried to speak in a cool, calm way, but the zombie rose up in my throat and choked me off.