But everything is relative, Bertie... You, for instance, are my relative, and I am your relative.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

To don't forget and marriage, the happiness is the from 20 up to 30% out of the 100% the other percentage is anger, and very negative sides. So far most people are dead.

I fear no bad angel, and have offended no good one.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

Men who have greatness within them don't go in for politics.

Fertilization of the soul is the reason for the necessity of art.

You know, the more I appear on newspapers, the more famous I become.

I don't spend all day running hand-on-hat from shadowy figures - I'm in exile.

My job is to stay alive until the medicine and research catch up.

The next time someone uses denial of citizenship as a weapon or brandishes the special status conferred upon him by the accident of birth, ask him this: What have you done lately to earn it?

No man ever went broke overestimating the ignorance of the American public.