But first I had to get through the ironing. It took a lot of patience. I had none. It took forever, and then I had to press the whole shirt again to get out the creases I’d pressed into it.

Dad" I pleaded, "this is so [cuss word you never, ever say in front of your mother] ridiculous.

And you’re beautiful. You’d have to work pretty hard to mess that up.

Let's go, " I said."Go where?""On Lori's date with Parker."Now he looked at me over the nerdy spectacles he wore for reading."I wasn't aware it was a double date. And you're not my type.

Her dad turned to me. "You. Follow Me.""Woof, " I said.

Stay away from her.""Okay.""Keep your hands off her.""I'll try."He scowled at me."I will, " I said.

Son, " he said, "you monkeyed up.

Better you than Cameron " McGillicuddy grumbled. "I know where Cameron's been." Sean snorted. Cameron said "I already told you I did NOT come on to Lori.

Even though Sean still held my head down I was the only one who thought to ask"Who's driving the boat?" Over the motor I heard girls screaming at us the instant before we crashed.

Taking his hand I said "Fank woo.""Hm " he laughed with his mouth closed.

He grinned at me and whispered, “I’m going to kiss you now. It’ll be a big one, so don’t hit me.

The greatest ideas are the simplest.

The world's a stage and I'm on it. Better make a good impression out there!

Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine.

The strength of comedy is I don't have to answer to anybody but sometimes you want to learn from other people and see your ideas strengthen by other people.

There's a spiritual bond that connects all Souls: human, animal, and lower forms of life.

I've always been attracted to guys with big brains.

The less there is of you, the more you experience the sublime.

Do not blame God for your stupid decisions.

My second grade teacher told me I would never graduate high school. That I was going to be a juvenile delinquent.

Covenants without swords are but words.