But if applause throws off your timing, then you're not the kind of comedian I would like to see. All you have to do is stand there and take it.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

There is enough dough in the world to make bread for us all to eat together.

A golden spoon is useless when the soup bowl is empty.

Lukewarmness I account a sin, as great in love as in religion.

The technical stuff is easy to deal with, it's just supplemental to the plight - it's not a real thing, it's just background to what we're really trying to do.

When you have a healthy appetite there is no such thing as bad bread.

Man is kind enough when he is not excited by religion

Life's not about feeling better, it's about getting the job done.

Oftentimes the shows that don't work help you get it right.

Ah, nothing comes to us too soon but sorrow.

The soul of Man must quicken to creation.