By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

If you want to be reminded of the love of the Lord, just watch the sunrise.

AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed.'So that's Sara, ' I said.'Yes.''She seems nice.

Wisely selecting the words we use to describe the experiences in and of our lives can make us feel better thus impacting our decisions and actions.

I've been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

When griefs are genuine, I find, there is nothing more vacuous, more burdensome, or even more impertinent, than letters of consolation.

As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is very imaginative.

I always stick with the same pair if I am on a scoring streak. I wouldn't change them until I go a game without scoring.

People at different stages of their lives are doing different things, and they're all using Google.

I really do try to watch everything I say. Because one little tiny slip, and it's like the world is coming to an end!