By the way, nothing I ever say, ever, has any truth behind it.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

We are the ones we've been waiting for.

His smile was the nightmare in my back pocket.(Speaking about Ronald Reagan)

Your attitude towards failure determines your altitude after failure.

This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.

I like fashion, but I love, love, love music and film; they are my two passions. I would love to pursue my acting and my love of music more than anything.

'30 Rock' is the holy grail of comedy in my opinion.

With the possible exception of God during the writing of the Bible, every writer in history has needed an editor. So do you.

There are persons whose only merit consists in saying and doing stupid things at the right time, and who ruin all if they change their manners.

At least us old men remember what a real bear market is like, and the young men haven't got a clue.

I write very tightly, and my big fear is boring people. I want them to read quickly, stopped in their tracks. I resist indulging myself.