California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'

A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down.

Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'

I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.

John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.

The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.

New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut.

President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up.

The best friends are those you can argue with but love anyway.

The bigger confrontation is the one an individual has with itself.

As a programmer, it is your job to put yourself out of business. What you do today can be automated tomorrow.

I never thought we'd ever have a black president. President Obama has done such a tremendous job He just has been unable to get what he needs to be moved at the level it should be moved.

All nights are sacred nights to make confession and resolve and prayer; all days are sacred days to wake new gladness in the sunny air.

What I'd like to be above all is a writer.

No use dwelling on the past. What you do tomorrow and the next day and the day after that is what matters.

It's a feeling without a lid, of what you would do, physically, verbally, to protect the one thing that is your greatest love.

Our relatives form the natural setting of our childhood. We understand ourselves best and are best understood by others through the persons who came nearest to us in our earliest years.

When the liquor's out, why clink the cannikin?