Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

You’re a mess, I confess, I despise you in the best kind of way.

It is the sheer ugliness and banality of everyday life which turns my blood to ice and makes me cringe in terror.

To ask how I feel about writing is to ask how I feel about breathing.

The problem with our existence is that our experiences contain more hate than love.

If there's one great thing I think that's happened over the years, it's that women are being accepted into a man's world in all different areas, whether it's flying an airplane or driving a race car.

Gentlemen, you may soon have the alternative to live as slaves or die as free men

The human mind is inspired enough when it comes to inventing horrors; it is when it tries to invent a Heaven that it shows itself cloddish.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Power is the goal of religion in general.