Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Whatever you do, never forget to love everyone around you.

It's my job as best friend to make sure he's not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one's worse.

Three things will make you happy: always have happy thoughts, be honest to yourself, and express unconditional love for everything.

I love food and I love everything involved with food. I love the fun of it. I love restaurants. I love cooking, although I don't cook very much. I love kitchens.

The worst thing you can do for those you love is the things they could and should do themselves.

US President Gerald Ford's golf was so bad we thought he was a 'Hitman for the PGA!

The less people know about me in reality, the more they can accept of me as a character.

Peace is indivisible, and the surrounding world confusion found no reflection inside me.

gardening is something more than a pastime; it is a religion.

To avoid pain, they avoid pleasure. To avoid death, they avoid life.