Can we talk?

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Sometimes evil didn't need an excuse. Sometimes evil just was.

I wrenched open the windows. I stood while the cold air poured around my face like dark water, as if I was a rock and it was chiselling me into a new shape.

At any moment, you can use your face to open doors of opportunity if it demonstrates interest, enthusiasm, respect, understanding, delight, agreement, and more.

I can't allow what we learned in English composition to disrupt the sound and rhythm of the narrative.

President-elect Donald Trump is not happy that he lost the popular vote. And this stat is probably not going to make him feel any better.

I've honestly been so lucky. I've never had a job where I didn't look forward to being on set in the morning.

Whether it's a potato or a nut, it's a foodage!

All soils are not fertile.

I woke up this mornin' Feelin' round for my shoes Know 'bout I got these, Old walkin' blues.

Writing is a skill, not a talent, and this difference is important because a skill can be improved by practice.