Can you have a seance to summon the ghost of a dead zombie?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

None fills the void like the company of a true friend.

The bravest are the tenderest. The loving are the daring.

Mum had a job fitting upholstery into cars, but, in the evenings, she worked as a seamstress.

The commander in the field is always right and the rear echelon is wrong, unless proved otherwise.

To win once you must have talent, but to win again you must have character.

I am already so popular that anyone who vilifies me becomes more popular than I am.

The politicians always told us that the Cold War stand-off could only change by way of nuclear war. None of them believed that such systemic change was possible.

Perspective is a most subtle discovery in mathematical studies, for by means of lines it causes to appear distant that which is near, and large that which is small.

What a piece of bread looks like depends on whether you are hungry or not.

For the next seven days, I challenge you not to complain at all.