Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Greatness begins where mediocrity ends.

Pessimistic" is a word for "realistic" that optimists use to make themselves feel better (about their unrealisticness).

Had there been a computer a hundred years ago it would probably have predicted that by now there would be so many horse-drawn vehicles it would be impossible to clear up all the manure.

There is a secret person undamaged in every individual.

Cars did not kill off horses. Digital publishing will not kill off books.

I started thinking that if post modernism is about people opening up all their skeletons, I'm going the other way. I don't want anyone knowing anything about me anymore.

A lot of times, rather than helping people with horse problems, I'm helping horses with people problems.

Do not put all your goods in hollow ships.

A young lady is a female child who has just done something dreadful.

We live in age of compromise, but if we stand on the bedrock of God’s truth, we will not bend with the winds of relativism and faithlessness.