Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

It seems that, once introduced into public life, evil easily perpetuates itself, whereas good is always difficult, rare, and fragile. And yet possible.

I have a great belief in the future of my people and my country.

My desire to fight comes from within... it's a personal journey of accomplishment, not meant to be judges or for me to judge others.

Now I'll give you some advice, since you been asking for it. Happiness is like them plants you been yapping about. Sometimes it's growing right in your own backyard and you don't even know it.

... I never was one to get upset about a few scratches on a motor vehicle, it is meant to be used, not saved.

Chandler's the guy everybody thinks will do well with women, but he thinks too much and says the wrong thing.

A lot of people say you've got all the loving in the world when you walk out on stage. But hell, that applause don't help you any when you're lying in that bed at night being totally ignored

You have to able to make fun of yourself. Don't take things too seriously and when people make fun of you, laugh at it.