Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Tell me, son... have you ever been intimidated by anyone?''Oh yes, ' said Thomas. 'I don't believe it. By whom?''By Our Lord... on the altar.

A fool and his money are soon elected.

Men make angry music and it's called rock-and-roll women include anger in their vocabulary and suddenly they're angry and militant.

It is only when you know a boy's environment that you can know what influences to bring to bear.

I cannot convert men; I can only proclaim the Gospel

Men are mad and gods are madder, she told the grass, and the grass murmured its agreement.

History of science is a relay race, my painter friend. Copernicus took over his flag from Aristarchus, from Cicero, from Plutarch; and Galileo took that flag over from Copernicus.

I'm a games and theory kind of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose.

This is the biggest night of my entire life and everybody's career rides on my DJ set

So the self under the eye lies, Attendant and withdrawn.