Capitalism is a great idea in theory, but in practice it just doesn't work.

Marriage is like the witness protection programme: you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs, and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore.

It seems a shallow observation, but... the Tory Conference are not an attractive lot, are they? I mean, if all those people were born in the same village, you'd blame pollution, wouldn't you?

My daughter wanted a new pair of trainers. I told her You're eleven, make your own!

The Afghan War has clearly reached a stage similar to that moment at your child's party where you realise you've forgotten to give the other parents a pick up time.

The only way you can ever accuse a Conservative of hypocrisy is if they walk past a homeless person without kicking him in the face.

You can inherit male-pattern baldness from your mother's father, but not a tendency to fight in the First World War.

Northern Ireland is part of Ireland, not Britain, as can clearly be seen from aerial photographs.

Most harm is done by people who are awake.

Why don't people just accept that life is sad and cheer up? After all, it's not going to last for ever.

If you just took everyone in the BNP and everyone who votes for them and shot them in the back of the head, there would be a brighter future for us all.

In reality, I'm happy without you and I'm less free with your presence.

What year is it in your imagination?

It's not about failure; it's about trying something and risking something for attaining your goal.

PROMISE YOURSELF To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

Spiritualism is but a baby now, an unwelcome stranger, whom public opinion, like an unnatural foster mother, tries to crush out of existence.

It is better to rage against the preventable suffering/because it leads to the suggestion of gorgeous alternatives/than to express our sadness.

Distance cannot matter - ours is a friendship of the heart.

Remember, no more effort is required to aim high in life, to demand abundance and prosperity, than is required to accept misery and poverty.

No, I don't mean love, when I say patriotism. I mean fear. The fear of the other. And its expressions are political, not poetical: hate, rivalry, aggression.

The typical large company has a compensation committee, They don't look for Dobermans on that committee, they look for chihuahuas.