Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Success is simply the wisdom born out of so called failures

Enlightenment is ego's ultimate disappointment.

Politically, Donald Trump doesn't seem to care much about what he says. He gauges the effect. Sometimes, in the middle of a speech, he will change his direction if the audience doesn't like him.

The subject matter of art is life, life as it actually is; but the function of art is to make life better.

The voice of a whole people goes up in the silent workings of an institution.

Supply creates its own demand.

With Jack Abramoff under indictment, a number of readers have suggested that now he might flip and try to offer the feds some figures higher up the food-chain.

Women love a sick child or a healthy animal; A man who is both itches them like an incubus.

Kenneth Hari's art work shall influence mankind.

Down South, even our vegetables have some pig hidden somewhere in it. A vegetable isn't a vegetable without a little ham hock.