Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

A writer's knowledge of himself, realistic and unromantic, is like a store of energy on which he must draw for a lifetime: one volt of it properly directed will bring a character to life.

I suppose you can't hold on to old things just for the sake of holding on.

It serves notice that President Bush is serious about promoting freedom, because free societies are a lot more peaceable than dictatorships and monarchies.

Do you wish to make of your enemy a friend? Then become a friend to your enemy.

People who buy government debt deserve to be punished and taught a lesson

Thanking people is dangerous business. A name always slips your mind.

Absolute power is absolute power, no matter what it's called.

However stupid a fools words may be, they are sometimes enough to confound an intelligent man.

I always try to convince people that there has to be a lot of material about the subject matter, so they created a couple of pieces. One is about doomsday prophecies.

Where a reputation for intolerance is more feared than a reputation for vice itself, all manner of evil may be expected to flourish.