Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Flying in his dreams was an exhilarating, breathtaking experience, sometimes literally, that tended to leave reality wanting, like riding a roller coaster compared to mowing the lawn.

Your LinkedIn profile should leave no room for doubt about the kind of job you’re looking for and why you’re the best person for that position.

Well, I really think that shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all.

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.

I think if we continue to create jobs at levels that I'm creating jobs, I think that's going to have a tremendous impact - positive impact - on race relations.

Torture will give a dozen pence or more To keep a drab from bawling at his door. The public taste is quite a different thing Torture is positively paid to sing.

I am iron butterfly ... / I am she/we / of flesh / and iron / and silk wings, / healing, flying / into a gentle blue sky.

I don't know why that putt hung on the edge. I'm a clean liver. It must be my caddie.

Houston people are way cool. They're smart, they know how to have a good time, and they have the hottest chicks on the planet there.

To protect women in times of war, we must first make sure women receive equal rights in times of peace.