Cartooning is for people who can't quite draw and can't quite write. You combine the two half-talents and come up with a career.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

In friendship you are free, you don’t hurt much. But love when comes to hurt hollows your identity, peace, mind and body so intensely making blank mind.

Small men command the letter of the law. Great men serve its spirit. For the spirit of the law is justice... and justice is the spirit of God.

Because I'm the kind of girl who fantasizes about being trapped in a library overnight.

The surest way to become a pacifist is to join the infantry.

Knowledge and know-how are the real sources of value and riches. You can learn anything you need to learn to achieve any goal you can set for yourself.

It's true that obscenity is a matter of taste and in the eye of the beholder.

The iPad - contrary to the way most people thought about it - is not a tablet computer running the Apple operating system. It's more like a very big iPhone, running the iPhone operating system.

The experience of separateness arouses anxiety; it is, indeed, the source of all anxiety.

There are journalists I share a whole history with, so I tend to be generous to these guys, but those days are over.

Listening is not only about waiting, but it's also learning how better to ask questions.