Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Life throws challenges and every challenge comes with rainbows and lights to conquer it.

God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, in these last days has spoken to us in His Son.

Equality is humanity.

She is drowned already, sir, with salt water, though I seem to drown her remembrance again with more.

I believe the world is incomprehensibly beautiful - an endless prospect of magic and wonder.

Have the right attitude in advanced practice. Feel that you are always a beginner in Zen. They refer to it as "beginners mind". I feel I am a beginner, always; because it's true.

I have a pretty wide range of musical tastes.

The conscious utterance of thought, by speech or action, to any end, is art.

Fear cannot be banished, but it can be calm and without panic; it can be mitigated by reason and evaluation.

I'm not a big internet guy - not because I'm not interested in what people have to say, but probably because I'm too interested.