Cats invented self-esteem.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The part of something is missing and the remaining part is itself not able to explain what part is missing.

We are not strangers. It’s a lack of trust that keeps us separated.

Thinking always deceives us when it becomes a substitute for action.

Everything is because I love you.

I don't know who came up with this idea that it's cool to hate on other girls, 'cause it's not.

My dad was an assembly line worker at AC Spark Plug, which was a division of General Motors, and his job was to build and then inspect the little spark plugs as they came off the line.

The best use of a journal is to print the largest practical amount of important truth: truth which tends to make mankind wiser, and thus happier.

To suffer together is to suffer with beauty.

The future of rock belongs to women.

You would think the fury of aerial bombardment would rouse God to relent; the infinite spaces Are still silent. He looks on shock-pried faces. History, even, does not know what is meant.