Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Great understanding is broad and unhurried

It's not a question of can or can't. There are some things in life you just do.

The women's movement completely changed attitudes all over the world in ways we'll never be able to count.

Wikileaks didn't help confidence with American administrations because of conversations made public so easily.

I knew always that Holland gave away the most Jews of all the countries. We are not the heroes that are in the history books.

I'm very flattered, but I don't think I'm the sexiest man on the planet.

The modern Australia, the Australia of the 21st Century, Malcolm Turnbull's Australia has nothing to do with the kind of protectionist and xenophobic attitudes that Pauline Hanson represents.

Fighting with self!! Why not? If we can live in harmony with self, we also have a full right to fight ourselves as well.

You are your choices.

A wicked conscience mouldeth goblins swift as frenzy thoughts.