Charles Darwin got totally hammered, woke up next to a monkey and decided he had to come up with a theory to make it all okay.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The heart of a company’s performance is hardwired to the hearts of its managers.

Of all things guard against neglecting God in the secret place of prayer.

To love is to destroy, and that to be loved is to be destroyed

Destroy yourselves, you who are desperate, and you who are tortured in body and soul, abandon all hope. There is no more solace for you in this world. The world lives off your rotting flesh.

I want to reiterate that my understanding of the poem is not the poem's core, true meaning. Once a poem goes out into the world, the poet is just one more reader.

Morality binds and blinds. It binds us into teams … but thereby makes us go blind to objective reality.

But I'd far rather live without souls or morals than Parmesan.

Talent is everywhere, it only needs the opportunity.

Today's religions are nothing but the long-lived mythologies!

This role is more visible, and I grew up without a lot of that sort of modeling so I'm relieved and proud to have done this film.