Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that's actually called a Queen.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Everybody is living for a purpose, you might turn out to be significant or insignificant depending on the kind of message you are feeding the world with.

All good writing is swimming under water and holding your breath.

A glacier will frequently move forward one foot while retreating three feet... Which reminds me a lot of myself!

When I was really young, I used to lie a lot. Now I get paid to do it.

When I got outta High School I was driving a truck. I was just a poor boy from Memphis, Memphis.

A letter is a risky thing; the writer gambles on the reader's frame of mind.

Hip hop is kinda funny because the further you get into it the more at risk you are.

Every time you quit, someone else gets your prize. Every time you make a mistake, you get closer to yours.

I'm gonna make love to you like fifteen men.

When you say yes to life, you attract divine guidance. When you're inspired, you're collaborating with fate. Everything starts working for you.