Chi-Os were ideal partners for all occasions. They were discrete, desirable, tactful, polite, and fun... Every mom dreamed of her son coming home with a Chi Omega, a woman's woman.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

My eyes open after my mind. All eyes always do.

I wouldn't call it a faux pas, but I have about 12 tracksuits. I always travel in a tracksuit. I feel it makes people happy when they see me.

I am clumsy, a late and nervous driver, and despise all sports except a little gentle dancing or yoga.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Bad days, good days, ‘I’ll cut you if you look at me the wrong way’ days. I’ll take them all.

Whoever is in control of the hell in your life, is your devil.

We should be wrong to demand that a critic must stay on the point all the time; it is enough if he remains in orbit around it.

The perfect day for quitting is not real. It will never come, so might as well start today

You don't come up expecting to be a fan favorite. When I was a rookie, I was just trying to make a name for myself, but people already knew who I was and already had expectations for me.

Love is a learned behavior. If you don't learn how to love yourself someone will teach you how to hate yourself.