Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, "Did you fall?" He said, "No, I'm tryin' to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket."

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

we use to regret over our past... but sometimes i wonder why ???because everything we did in past was best from our side, well in case of both doing and thinking...

We only get either A Lesson or A Miracle.

I'll play baseball for the Army or fight for it, whatever they want me to do.

We don't have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.

As cute as baby clothes are... I try to buy less.

And the moment you care that much, a man has you. He owns a little piece of your soul, and he can beat you to death with it.

We are anthill men upon an anthill world.

Madam, I have been looking for a person who disliked gravy all my life; let us swear eternal friendship.

I love writing. I feel ridiculously lucky that this is what I get to do all day.

To be grateful is to recognize the love of God in everything.