Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Oh for God's sake, ' Heather said, 'I wish you two would just go out, fail miserably as a couple, and get it over with.

You ought to enjoy the rhythm of the sacred ride.

So we don't need more top-down economics. We've tried that theory. We've seen what happens. We can't afford to go back to it.

If I were alive in Rubens's time, I'd be celebrated as a model. Kate Moss would be used as a paint brush.

That man scorches with his brightness, who overpowers inferior capacities, yet he shall be revered when dead.

[My parents] were very interested in social justice issues, and there was a time, very early on, where my mother, I think, actually went to some demonstrations for integrating housing.

If we truly long for revival, we will rejoice even when it starts at the church down the road.

It is unlikely that you'll have anything emerge from MEF (Major Economies Forum) by way of detailed programmatic specificity.

We go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.

Sometimes I identify myself as 25 and I dare someone to tell me different!