Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

God gave you the sea, but you still have to fish for yourself.

The problem with all of you is you think in isolation instead of realizing we are one community, when one of us falls, we all fall.

Winning coaches look for opportunities to praise. Anything that reflects a commitment to the team is praiseworthy

It is an unscrupulous intellect that does not pay to antiquity its due reverence.

If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble.

Most people work at keeping their job, rather than doing a good job. If you're the former, you're leading a meaningless life. If you're the latter, keep up the good work.

I love to improvise, but I always thought "Man, it's like the final frontier for improvisational actors, to really go for something emotional, something that's not just chasing the laugh."

Things are so much global and Americanised.

Televisions and movies have made many Americans into habitual consumers of synthetic experience-audiovisual fantasies that simply pass the time.

If you get outside the world of show business and its satellites, there's a whole world of car nuts in the Los Angeles area.