Children make your life important.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Good laughter, or even a smile. It makes everything grow. It makes people Love you.

But we don’t run on facts. We run on stories about things. About people.

The thoughts of others Were light and fleeting, Of lovers' meeting Or luck or fame. Mine were of trouble, And mine were steady; So I was ready When trouble came.

All we really want in the end is to be connected once again with the Truth of our being, to realize what it is that wears this mask of self.

As long as a man is alive and out of hell, he cannot have any cause to complain.

I won't ever shy away from a fight and if it makes sense down the road, I'll do it. But it will be on my terms.

My entire life has been devoted to breaking down barriers, to finding common ground.

Laughing and Love. They are both drugs.

You contain a trillion copies of a large, textual document written in a highly accurate, digital code, each copy as voluminous as a substantial book. I'm talking, of course, of the DNA in your cells.

I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.