Choose a checked or striped wall paper. People will be halfway home before they are able to focus.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The journey of motherhood centers on being the person God has chosen out of all humanity and space and time to care for these souls, these beings who will exist for all eternity.

Laws like the spider's web catch the fly and let the hawk go free.

I can say that I am, by nature, optimistic.

Let everyone witness how many different cards fortune has up her sleeve when she wants to ruin a man.

A country without bordellos is like a house without bathrooms.

Very less to say, I can make one Catholic or Protestant.

For an artist to marry his model is as fatal as for a gourmet to marry his cook: the one gets no sittings, and the other gets no dinners.

Good bye, proud world! I'm going home; Thou art not my friend, and I'm not thine

I don't believe that hard work equals success. It can, and maybe it should, but I know that it doesn't. There's a very slight relationship between the two.

People don't know this, but early in your career, you don't just glide on to The Tonight Show.