Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I want to be thoroughly used up when I die for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.

My Friends I Will Always Remember, And My Enemies I Will Never Forget!

From oriole to crow, note the declineIn music. Crow is realist. But, then, Oriole, also, may be realist.

On learning: if you really want alignment, go to a chiropractor.

The office is the laboratory and meeting your users is like going into the field. You can't just stay in the lab. And it's not just asking users what they want, it's about seeing what they're doing.

When we played, World Series checks meant something. Now all they do is screw up your taxes.

Because, also the world of showbiz is not just black and white, good and bad.

Once I'm already in my room, I still have to open a door to get into my bed. It's like a giant box. It's like the boy in a bubble.

Nine months of misery.

I learned a long time ago that I can't control the challenges the creator sends my way, but I can control the way I think about them and deal with them