Christians have always been fodder for comedians who have tended to portray them as anoraks - slightly clammy, beatifically smiley dullards with barely a personality between them.

By puberty I learned that nothing worth having could be easily attained and to succeed one must be single minded.

As long as we prioritize material truths over spiritual truths we will live in tyranny because we are living an illusion

You must not feel persecuted and examined. Liberate yourself from the idea that people are watching you.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

People say you should read your criticism because it will make you a better person but it doesn't. It just makes you a sad bitter old showbiz nightmare.

I get fixated when I'm bleeding -- I can see why they went in for blood-letting in the medieval times because it makes you feel a bit better. When I cut myself, the drama of it calms me down.

A library doesn't need windows. A library is a window.

There are two types of people in this world: one who opens a packet of biscuits, has one and puts the rest back in the cupboard, and one who eats the whole packet in one go.

The bad-boy label is just an assumption.

There are 10-20 times more male comics than female comics; it's something to do with the social structure of society.

Never be afraid to ask. The worst you'll get is 'No', but maybe you'll get a 'Yes'.

I believe that we are all, openly or secretly, struggling against one or another kind of nihilism.

Dangerous acts can be done safely in a community which thinks and feels rightly, which would be the way to hell if they were executed by those who think and feel wrongly.

You make the decision with vision and god makes the provision.

In common with many who have a brain injury, I initially lost my confidence and felt very vulnerable, as if a protective layer of skin had been stripped away.

[Sometimes I] put on a ski mask and dress in old clothes, go out on the streets and beg for quarters.

Racism is a belief in the inherent superiority of one race over another.

I am the worlds laziest writer.

He [George Harrison] told me he really, really admired John [Lennon]. He probably wanted John's acceptance pretty bad, you know?

Set your sights not just on the next few weeks ... set your sights on the years ahead - because our vision will look that far ahead.