Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning?

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Covert operations relied on the unguarded slip, the unconscious choosing of one word over another.

Identity was just a box people liked to put themselves in, a mast to tether to in a storm, a security blanket.

The English murder their meat twice: once when they shoot it, again when they cook it. 'Drôle, n'est-ce pas'?

It’s always nice to hear that you’re appreciated for all that you do.

I don't like new cars I'm into vintage cars - there's a Jaguar E-Type in the 'Goldie' video.

There are defining moments in one's life when you learn about yourself, and you deposit that knowledge in the experience account, so you can draw on it at some later date.

At the time I perceived most religious men, particularly the pastors with all their talk about love, faith and relationship, as effeminate.

The person who will bear much shall have much to bear, all the world through.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

Any relationship primarily built on physical attractiveness is predestined to be short lived.