Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Other countries care for their mentally ill. Making them debate on TV is just cruel.

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

The only possible reason the Republicans have declared a war on women is they must think women have oil.

If Mark Twain had had Twitter, he would have been amazing at it. But he probably wouldn't have gotten around to writing Huckleberry Finn.

As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight.

It is difficult, when faced with a situation you cannot control, to admit you can do nothing.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Japanese people tend to be much better adjusted to the notion of work, any kind of work, as honorable.

Will you explain to me why people encourage delusional behaviour in children, and medicate it in adults?

The golf ball has no sense at all, which is why it has to be given stern lectures constantly, especially during the act of putting.

How strange and how lovely it is to be anything at all.

I rose from marsh mud algae, equisetum, willows, sweet green, noisy birds and frogs.

The State is the sum total of the sacrifice, on its behalf, of its members.

No one appears on our stage unless the director has placed them there for our benefit