Chumps always make the best husbands. All the unhappy marriages come from the husbands having brains.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the road less traveled by and they CANCELLED MY FRIKKIN' SHOW. I totally shoulda took the road that had all those people on it. Damn.

How can I be so captured by my own imagination that I can truly connect both to the person I'm playing and to the person I'm playing wi

Men who believe in good and evil, and who believe that good should win, should watch for those moments when it is possible to play God

I defy any of my coreligionists to tell me they do not laugh at the idea of Dawkins burning in hell.

Personally I don't think solving corruption is such a big problem.

Jeb climbed the ladder Fang had just lowered and I indulged in a moments fantasy about someone slamming the trapdoor on his head.”-max

The miracle or the power that elevates the few is to be found in their industry, application and perseverance under the promptings of a brave, determined spirit.

Behind intimidating messages are simply people appealing to us to meet their needs.

Blessings star forth forever; but a curse is like a cloud, it passes.

I was Mayor of New York during a great Yankees dynasty. I got to preside over the city during four Yankees championships.