Cleaning the house while the children are home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

If you follow your heart, you know true happiness.

We suicide ourselves for our own survival. Is there any hope of dipping back into the past and circling round it like you can in art?

The modern technologist is less 'sorcerer' and more 'sorcerer's apprentice'.

Consumers don't think how they feel. They don't say what they think and they don't do what they say.

If you don't go to highschool you will definately go to jail.

We're intellectual opposites. Well, I'm intellectual and you're opposite.

A woman's strength is the unresistible might of weakness.

Teach a man to read and write, and you have put into his hands the great keys of the wisdom-box.

They dashed on towards that thin red line tipped with steel.