Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

Normally ghosts didn't scare him. (Assuming, of course, Gaea hadn't encased them in shells of stone and turned them into killing machines. That had been a new one for him.)

And the scary thing is, I’m on a fast track to that same aviary. Unless I find my wings.

You will always know whether you are delivered from the guilt of sin by answering this question: Am I delivered from the love of sin?

I want to party in space because I make alien music.

The only thing I was any good at was music.

Uh uh uh, turning the car into oncoming traffic... is counterproductive!

I definitely keep myself secret.

It is the superfluous things for which men sweat.

Sleeping we imagine what awake we wish; D ogs dream of bones, and fishermen of fish.