Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I was born with the ability to see in metaphor.

A chance is what you take before you think about it. A calculated risk is what you take after you have evaluated all possible factors and have determined that risk

You have a part-time job and that's better to no job at all

I who still pray at morning and at eve Thrice in my life perhaps have truly prayed, Thrice stirred below conscious self Have felt that perfect disenthrallment which is God.

This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it.

The commendation of adversaries is the greatest triumph of a writer, because it never comes unless extorted.

What an extraordinary episode in the economic progress of man that age was which came to an end in August, 1914!

I'm not writing for fundamentalists. I'm writing for the people who have been repelled by that kind of thinking and yet who think there might be something they haven't yet discovered.

When the vain speaker has sat down, and the people say 'what a good speech,' it still takes an ounce to balance an ounce.

Entrepreneurial business favours the open mind. It favours people whose optimism drives them to prepare for many possible futures, pretty much purely for the joy of doing so.