Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz. I love loopholes.

Positive words can bend your world in your favor.

Anti-Americanism may indeed have grown fiercer than it was during the cold war. It is a common phenomenon that when the angels fail to deliver, the demons become more fearsome.

Like dry ground welcoming the rain, he let the solitude, silence, and loneliness soak in.

Fear could never make a virtue.

So if everything goes off great, then it being a triple threat match will make it even more exciting instead of a singles match.

I clearly saw the skeleton underneath all this show of personality what is left of a man and all his pride but bones?

Get off me. You weigh more than the doors to your home.

They have not any difficulties on the way up because they fly, but they have many when they reach the summit.

Professors of the Dismal Science, I perceive the length of your tether is now pretty well run; and I must request you to talk a little lower in the future.