Coffee is like a bra. 3 cups is one too many.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

It is beautiful, it is endless, it is full and yet seems empty. It hurts us.

No matter how high buildings you make, your soul needs to be where it belongs.

Positive thoughts multiply, They bring their own images of joy Which erase dark shadows, Bring happiness.

Society my dear is like salt water good to swim in but hard to swallow.

What soon grows old? Gratitude.

I congratulate Secretary [Hillary] Clinton on her victory. But, I think, for us, that is about as bad as it's going to get.

Football doesn't build character. It eliminates the weak ones.

The contour should come last, only a very experienced eye can place it rightly.

Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don't be sorry.

Creeds matter very little... The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. So I elect for neither label.