College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.

My plays are made up of long monologues, which is similar to prose working with the language

All taxes discourage something. Why not discourage bad things like pollution rather than good things like working?

The weird thing about acting is you're the most competent when you're at your best, but you have to be validated. It's a weird kind of vicious circle.

Raising or caring for children requires sacrifice and service, which, I believe, heals us from the destructive forces of self-centeredness.

Richard Prince's most famous photograph was made by me.

Diversity creates harmony, and harmony creates beauty, balance, bounty and peace in nature and society, in agriculture and culture, in science and in politics.

I was very close to my mother, and her death, which left a gaping hole in my life, has been very difficult for me and my father in a lot of ways.

Entertainers are there to entertain. They aren't there to teach your children the lessons that you haven't bothered to teach them at home yourself.

Education no longer stops on graduation day. We must demand excellence at every level of education.