Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

Energy is the inherent capacity of the universe to make matter exist.

Coffee first. Save the world later.

Never let an opportunity pass to give a well-deserved compliment.

For keenest enjoyment, I visit when the dew is on them, or in cloudy weather, or when the rain is falling: and I must be alone or with someone who cares for them as I do.

[To the South African parliament:] I do not know why we equate - and with the examples before us - a white skin with civilization.

I look at myself as the luckiest man alive.

Sometimes I'd knock on the door of somebody I was going to school with, so it was like living a double life.

What we need for our happiness is often close at hand, if we knew but how to seek for it.

The only people, scientific or other, who never make mistakes are those who do nothing.

If individuality has no play, society does not advance; if individuality breaks out of all bounds, society perishes.